God umpires Andre Agassi vs Michael Chang
February 7, 2010 in Best Of, Tennis
As a follow up to the popular “Inside Agassi and Becker’s Secret Rivalry” post, I have pitched Andre Agassi against Chinese American superstar Michael Chang, another guy that Agassi trashed like a used needle in his controversial autobiography Open.
Of course, a contest between two tennis greats can only be a five set match, and naturally, only God can be the umpire (Linesmen, Cyclops and Hawk-Eye are not needed as God is never wrong).
Here we go.
(To read about this exciting match click on ‘more…’)
First Set: Who had the better career?
Michael Chang struck first by winning the first Grand Slam amongst his peers (including Agassi and Sampras) – the 1989 French Open at just age 17. However, Chang would never win another Grand Slam again.
While Chang went from youngest Grand Slam winner to obscurity, Agassi went from tennis rockstar to arguably the second best player of his era (ie the Sampras era), winning 8 Grand Slam titles including the Career Slam.
For the record, Agassi’s career win-loss was 870-274, whereas Chang’s was 662-312. Agassi also leads in career titles, 68 to 34, and demolished Chang in prize money, $31 million to $19 million.
The first set was a no-brainer. 6-1 Agassi.
Second Set: Who had better head-to-head record?
Even though the Grand Slam head-to-head was close, with Agassi edging Chang 3-2, the overall head-to-head was more telling, with Agassi holding a comfortable 15-7 lead. Chang’s last victory against Agassi was in the 1996 US Open Semi-Final. Chang would then lose the next 4, with the last in 2003 (Miami).
Another easy set. 6-3 Agassi.
Third Set: Who was the bigger wanker?
17-year-old Michael Chang after winning the French Open
This is a difficult one. Chang has a couple of big ones going for him. First and foremost, his tendency to thank God for everything, which Agassi described in Open as “sickening”. After his first and only Grand Slam victory, Chang said: “I thank the Lord Jesus Christ, because without Him, I am nothing.” Agassi apparently vomited at this point but because he was high on ice he licked it all off the floor.
To make things worse, Chang also said that his French Open victory was “God’s purpose for him” so he could put a smile on Chinese people’s faces right after the Tiananmen Square Massacre in China. Upon hearing this, Agassi reportedly screamed at the TV, “Why didn’t God just stop the freaking massacre?” Then he regurgitated his vomit before scooping it back into his mouth.
Another thing people often forget about Chang was his wankish tactics against Ivan Lendl in the fourth round of that French Open. Chang used some extremely dickish moves to unsettle Lendl mentally, including constantly lobbing the ball in the air, standing at the ‘T’ to receive serves, and the infamous underarm serve. Sure, he did what he could to win, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t call him a knob if you were on the other side of the net. To cap things off, Chang fell to his knees and cried like a baby after winning this fourth round match. Then he thanked God for giving him the strength to come up with these mind games.
Agassi, on the other hand, is no slouch in the ‘wanker’ department either. For starters, he wore a bandanna in his early years. That’s like performing at a rock concert using a tennis racquet for a guitar. Second, when he started balding, he played with a wig (a wig!). Third, he used recreational drugs (very uncool) and got away with it by manipulating the system with his star power. Fourth, he threw matches, including the 1996 Aussie Open Semi-Final against Chang (so he could avoid playing his arch-nemesis Boris Becker (I told you there was a secret rivalry!)). Lastly, Agassi bitched about all his contemporaries in a book because he didn’t have the guts to say those things to their faces. I’m sure if you asked the casual tennis fan or even Agassi and Chang’s peers in the tennis world, they would all agree that Andre is the bigger wanker.
Hang on, what am I talking about? Chang was a virgin until 36! Of course he’s the bigger wanker!
Chang in a landslide, 6-0.
Fourth Set: Who has more hair?
Age has not been kind to either man. Let’s have a look at some recent pics, shall we?
Agassi
Chang
Just making sure you were paying attention. I still can’t believe Agassi played with a rug on his head.
Chang, 6-2.
Fifth Set: Women
Agassi was no doubt a player off the tennis court in his early years. Living in Las Vegas, there was a rumour that he moonlighted as a man-whore between Wimbledon and the US Open.
Then, Agassi married Brooke Shields, who was, despite her bulky appearance now, one of the most desirable women in the world at the time (the film The Blue Lagoon was created solely for the purpose of seeing an underage Brooke nekkid on screen). Unfortunately, that volatile relationship ended and Agassi married Steffi Graf.
I am pretty certain this was an LV advertisement
Devout Christian Chang abstained from doing the deal (other than with himself) for the first 36 years of his life. Even if Brooke and Steffi cancel each other out, as long as there is one other woman, Agassi will have the edge in this category.
However, in October 2008, God finally answered Chang’s prayers and delivered him a young, hot and slim Asian virgin Christian bride (who ranked as high as 241 in the world – in tennis) to take his virginity from him once and for all. Chang was and is her tennis coach. I won’t go there.
Michael Chang and his YHS wife, 24-year-old Amber Liu
Coincidentally, even though Agassi is not a devout Christian, YHS (young, hot and slim) just happens to be his personal “Holy Trinity”.
Agassi can’t take it and forfeits the fifth set
Chang defeats Agassi, 1-6, 3-6, 6-0, 6-2, ret.
Chang thanks God for his YHS Asian virgin bride. Agassi finally starts believing in God.
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God don’t deliver a young girl to a old man!
Agassi loves Steffi at the first sight. They have the same age!
Agassi should’nt marry Brooke Shields. her unique love is Steffi and God shows it to Agassi who now is happy. That the way god work!
The couple was blessed with the births of two beautiful children, Jaden (whic means God listens) and Jaz!
Agassi is beautiful without hair.
I do have to say, Agassi does look much better without hair. That mane he had going (or it may have been his rug) was hilarious.
You obviously know a lot more about Agassi than I do so I’ll shut up now.
Agassi defeats Chang, 6-1, 6-0, 6-0, 6-0, 6-0
Agassi is true when he says God is not concerned by Tennis games.
God does’nt work for o player against another
God says: Love not Fight!
Agassi has respect for God and loves Him since he was child.
That was what I was trying to point out with the Chang joke – what Chang said about God ‘making him win the French Open’ to make Chinese people happy after the massacre was totally illogical. And silly.
Nice compare and contrast but Brooke is not “bulky”. He was lucky to have her.
Apologies. Perhaps ‘buffed’ is the more adequate word?
Steffi Graf and André are in love
They are champions
They are great
They are richs
They have beautiful children
They take care of the others
Agassi 6, Chang 0
Okay okay, I get it!
Brooke married Agassi for money. She’s no good as actress and need someone ta became famous.
Steffi is the best tennis player of the world, she won millions, she’s famous all over the world. She does’nt need Agassi.
She married Agassi for one reason: Love!
Agassi which pursuits Steffi for a long time married her for one reason: Love!
Now, they are very happy and blessed with 2 children!
Brooke admires Steffi Graf who is the most perfect, beautiful, strong woman for Brooke, Agassi said in his book.
The marriage of Agassi and Brooke is annulled!
What the crap is going on?
Brooke is very well off too. I’m sure they were in love at one stage in their lives. They were just too young.
Why did I just respond to that?
Troll much?
Cave?
Good day all. I personally believe that Agassis life style is better than Changs lifestyle and of course he was a better player any day. But Agassi criticizing Chang for thanking GOD after a match is unappropriate. There are many atheletes who thank GOD after a victory. In the film Rocky we see Rocky Balboa uttering a prayer to GOD before begining his fight with Apollo Creed. Agassi himself is a religious person and spiritualism reflects in his game. His friends Barbara Striesand once remarked that he playes like a zen master ( I believe zen is a type of a buddhist ). Morever if any athelete sees his opponent thanking GOD after a defeating him should take it as a compliment that his opponent admits that he could not defeat him on his own steam and needed divine intervention.
best regards
Niraj
Whoa Niraj. Good day to you too. Why do you think Agassi’s lifestyle is better? Is it because he doesn’t have to comb his hair everyday?
Good call about the divine intervention bit and the Barbara Streisand comment. Yes indeed, there are many athletes who thank God after victory, but I have to side with Andre on this one. God doesn’t play favourites in sports (except in the case of Roger Federer).
By the way, Rocky Balboa is not a real person. And he lost that fight too.
PS: What’s the deal with putting God in CAPS?
Good day. Yes I am aware that Rocky Balboa is not a real person although I believe that one of the movies of the Rocky series is loosely based on a real boxer I think his name is Chuck Wepner. This mans claim to fame is that he went the distance with boxing legend Muhammad Ali. In the fight you are talking about Rocky did loose but his intent desire too was to go the distance with apollo creed which was fulfilled and they next time they met Rocky won by the skin of the tooth thanks to the eye of the tiger. In the hair episode Michael Chang is the clear winner. I hear Andre lost a french open final to Jim Courier because he was worried that his wig wont fall off while playing and thats why couldnt concentrate properly on the match. Is this true ?
PS – Being a religous person in my over enthusiasm probably typed God in CAPS
Michael Chang was indeed an inspiration to untold number of Chinese after the Tianamen massacre. To belittle his motivations for giving praise to God is to be insensitive to the sentiments of millions who did feel a need for something, a lift, a bright light…so to say. Michael felt and moved with the beat of the times, and felt inspired by God to do something and say something (it wouldn’t have had the same impact if he merely won and said, “Thanks, I did it on my own”) and his timing was perfect! For a moment in time, he was that bright light! You don’t have to be Chinese (as I am) to understand that, but you have to be at least insightful and empathetic. We must recognize that Michael’s accomplishment was largely responsible for launching the BOOM in tennis in Asia! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big Agassi fan! I can’t help but say, “God bless you both, Michael and Andre, for inspiring us with your lives! But thank you especially, Michael, for not fogetting the downtroddened during your moment of victory!”
Oh my Doctor, I really appreciate your sentiments but think you missed my point completely. I am not saying that Chang was not an inspiration to Chinese people after the massacre — indeed, I rooted for him (poor choice of words, I know) for many years as a tennis player and as the catalyst for the growth of Asian tennis around the world. However, to say that God intervened and made him win so that he could comfort the families of those who lost their lives is a little self-important and presumptuous, don’t you think? Not to say that Chang’s victory did not have a comforting effect on people, and I have no problem with him using the massacre as motivation to propel himself to victory, but suggesting that he was somehow “chosen” by God to alleviate the suffering of his people is a bit too much, even for me.
awsome man
Maybe the whole bunch of you need to know exactly where Mr. Chang means by what he said….
I personally think Agassi is a D$$$ Head – of no that not right because that’s the best part of a man and I am not sure Agassi is any part of a real man.
Sorry but I don’t know exactly what you mean by what you said…
Agassi is a disgrace to tennis. Doesn’t hold a lick to Pete, Roger, or Rafa.
That’s a bit harsh! 8 Slams including all 4 majors and doesn’t hold a lick?
Dear friends. Agassi played great but Sampras was a great player. In any sport respecting your opponent is what separates a great player from a good player or a very good player. When Pete Sampras became the no 1 player for the first time in his career way back in 1993 Agassi made a nasty remark “ No one should be made no 1 who looks like he has just swung up a tree “ He was ridiculing Sampras’s looks. There is a record of Becker also shooting his big mouth against his opponents. Hence both these gentleman are relatively underachievers. Sampras has won more grand slams than them. Even in the Mcenroe Borg Connors rivalry. Both Mcenroe and Connors where well equipped with big mouths where as Borg was ice cool. Records say that He has won 11 grand slams compared to Mcenroes 7 and Connors 8. Ironically John Mcenoroe is considered the most talented player ever by most tennis experts.
Agassi opened his own school. Game, set, match Agassi.
Seriously, in those days everybody insulted everyone else. In the 80′s and 90′s, it was uncool to be gentleman like in any sport. We had proper rivalries in all sports, especially tennis and Formula One.
Now we have Federer and Nadal who wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but my how we love them for it.
Agassi was one of the all time greats, there is no denying it.
I am not denying it. Wish all of you a very happy and a prosperous new year
best wishes
Niraj
[...] know I like to make fun of Andre (as I did in satirical posts A and B, two of the most popular ever on this blog), but he’s always been one of my favourite tennis [...]
i’ve seen this page only now since i have no comp. agassi is my idol ever since,
i like him so much
wish to see him and stef to play again, exhibiton games