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Book Review: ‘Monster’ by Alan Hall

August 19, 2009 in Best Of, Book Reviews

Monster by Alan Hall

Monster by Alan Hall

I still remember the first time news broke about an Austrian man who kept his own daughter captive in an underground dungeon for 24 years, never letting her out, constantly raping her and eventually fathering seven incestuous children with her.  It was a story so sickening, so unimaginable that even the most morally depraved horror novelist could not have come up with it.  If it were made into a movie critics would laugh at it for being too unbelievable.  And yet it was absolutely true.

Monster by British journalist Alan Hall is a valiant attempt to understand Josef Fritzl, the man who shocked the world with the most atrocious crimes against his own flesh and blood.  I was initially skeptical about the book because of the speed with which it was released, concerned that it might be no more than a half-baked effort to cash in on everyone’s interest in the story. I was wrong.

While the book was published relatively close to the initial revelation (roughly 7 months), Hall has packed a great deal of insightful information into the 288-page book, complete with exclusive interviews (with neighbours, former tenants, childhood friends, police officers), photographs of those involved and diagrams of the dungeon.  Of course, an early publication also unfortunately means that there are many details left uncovered.  There are no interviews with any members of the Fritzl family, and no information relating to the Fritzl trial as it had yet to commence.

Summary

Hall takes an analytical approach that begins with Fritzl’s childhood, going into depths on his obsessive relationship with his overbearing mother, Nazi influences, and the fact that he was a couple of years older than his classmates.  These were the type of things that may have shaped his controlling personality and his abnormal yet insatiable sexual appetite.  Hall then ventures into Fritzl’s adulthood as he becomes an ingenious engineer (the skills from which would later be utilised to create the foolproof dungeon) and marries a subservient, unquestioning wife who bears him seven children, including Elizabeth, the daughter he would begin abusing at age 11 and imprison from age 18.

The book then takes a dark turn and begins detailing Elizabeth’s ordeal – the constant rapes, giving birth to her father’s children alone (armed with nothing but some primitive medical materials and an old book to guide her through), raising 3 of them by herself underground (and losing 4 – one to death and the other 3 brought above ground).  All this time, Fritzl went about his business as usual, renting out the apartments above to unsuspecting tenants, fooling police into believing Elizabeth had joined a cult, building extensions to the dungeon and visiting local brothels and taking debaucherous sex trips to Thailand.

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Inside the Fritzl dungeon

It all ends when the health of Kerstin, Elizabeth’s eldest child, begins to fail and Fritzl has no choice but to seek professional medical attention.  The doctors grew suspicious of the girl’s unusual physical condition and alerted the police – things snowballed from there and soon the shocking details were revealed to the world.  At the time of publication, the entire underground and above-ground families were in a secure medical and psychiatric facility receiving treatment.

Style

I’m a fan of Hall’s writing style.  It is professional, easy to read and well-structured.  There were no boring bits that I wanted to skip.

A story like this would be no stranger to hyperboles.  Alan Hall does a good job of keeping his emotions in check and ensuring that Fritzl’s tale is told with a steady level of objectivity.  From time to time he wavers, but for the most part the writing remains journalistic and objective.

At the end, Hall does offer his personal views as he is particularly critical of Austrian culture – which he believes is partly responsible for the Fritzl case and several other similar cases of horrendous abuse, such as the Natascha Kampusch case (which Hall has also written books about).  Hall believes that since World War II, Austrians have tended to mind their own business and preferred to sweep things under the rug rather than bring them out in the open.  It is this culture, coupled with appalling police inadequacy and a justice system that is over-protective of criminals, that allowed someone like Josef Fritzl to get away with it for 24 years.  Regardless of whether you agree with Hall, he does put forward a compelling argument.

Final thoughts

Monster is a solid book suitable for those with an interest in the Fritzl case.  It answers a lot of the questions that I had about the case – such as (1) how Fritzl’s wife Rosemarie could possibly not have known what was going on, (2) how Elizabeth was unable to escape, and (3) how come the dungeon was not uncovered sooner (for those interested, see the end of this post for answers).

Unfortunately, the book was published before Fritzl stood trial, so I’m sure there are more details that were uncovered later not in the book.  Nevertheless, I found it a fascinating read, the type of book that you could finish in a single sitting on a rainy afternoon or night alone at home.

4 out of 5 stars

[Answers to my own questions: (1) Rosemarie was terrified of Fritzl and never questioned him despite his rape conviction and prostitute visits.  Fritzl also kept her busy and away for large chunks of the year running his motels.  Elizabeth had also run away before. All those that know the family are convinced she had absolutely no idea.  (2) Fritzl was a genius engineer who built the dungeon to be completely escape-proof and sound-proof.   There were 8 doors to the dungeon, including 2 that were electronic - and only he knew the codes.  (3) The police bought Fritzl's story that Elizabeth had run away to join a cult, and Fritzl's prior convictions were erased under Austrian law.  He purchased supplies from various far-away places to avoid detection.  He forbid his family (who were totally obedient to him) and his tenants (who were terrified of him) from going near the dungeonVarious people who saw him and had suspicions never bothered to contact police.]

Movie Review: Orphan (2009)

August 16, 2009 in Movie Reviews

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In some ways, Orphan is your typical ‘child from hell’ movie.  However, it is also a superior horror/thriller that can keep you at the edge of your seat for a couple of hours.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went to see the film – it had a fantastic poster (see above) and a stellar cast, but it’s also directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, who was at the helm of such classics (not) such as House of Wax (2005) and Goal! 2: Living the Dream (2007).  Well, I came out of it pleasantly surprised and rather impressed.

The plot, of course, is pretty self-explanatory, so I won’t go into it too much.  The adopted child Esther is a seemingly charming 9 year-old girl who dresses weird, has a secretive past and gives one hell of a dirty stare.  Yes, it has a cliched storyline with cliched characters, but don’t let that put you off.  It’s all in the execution. 

Collet-Serra has injected much style and tension into the film, with a strong beginning and a ripper of an ending (which, even though I unfortunately guessed in advance, was still good).  He mixes it up with the voyeur cam and the POV (point-of-view) cam, and in addition to the ‘boo!’ scares, throws in the occasional ‘feint’ scare (where he sets up a ‘boo!’ shock that never comes).  Combined with the cool colour scheme, the icy surroundings and the smooth wooden house, the atmosphere is superb for a horror film.  

Collet-Serra also doesn’t shy away from the violence and the visceral shocks, which was a little unexpected as the incidents all involve young children.  And for those who think the movie will be entirely predictable, think again because not everything will go according to the way such films usually pan out.  It’s these little breaks away from the cliches that kept things interesting for me.  Oh, and there’s a dash of dark comedy as well.  Intentional or not, it was amusing.

The highest praise is reserved for the cast.  Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard are both outstanding as the parents (which you would expect from actors of their calibre), but of course it’s the title character, played by Isabelle Fuhrman, that really lifts the film to another level.  Fuhrman is really a wonderful little actress that manages to captivate the audience whenever she’s on screen.  She demands your attention.  She can be sweet, funny, scary and downright terrifying.  She makes you believe.  I can’t wait to see what she’s in next.

No doubt there are a lot of critics out there that would call Orphan trash – but really, what do people expect when they watch such a film?  It may be a little overlong (122 minutes) and totally unbelievable, but Orphan succeeds at what it set out to do – scare and shock the audience.  Can’t ask for much more than that.

4 stars out of 5!

[PS: they really shouldn't say things like 'You'll never guess her secret' in the trailers and posters because whenever they do I always end up guessing it!  Keep silent and surprise the audience!]

Fight Night Round 5 Wishlist

August 15, 2009 in Boxing, Game Reviews

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The physics engine was one of the things FNR4 had going for it

[See my review of Fight Night Round 4 here: Part 1 - Features, Part 2 - Gameplay, Part 3 - Legacy Mode]

I know Fight Night Round 4 (FNR4) has just been released and it will most probably be years before we see Fight Night Round 5 (FNR5), my recent review (with many complaints) has prompted questions about what I would like to see if the game came to fruition in the future.  Anyway, here is my wishlist for FNR5 – so EA, if you’re reading, please take note.

1. Controls – I like the whole Total Punch Control system with the right analog stick, but please make the face buttons usable as well (and not only through DLC when people complained).  The fighters also need to be able to dash forward to add more force to the blows or step backwards or sideways quickly to avoid blows (for example the Victorious Boxers series).   Ducking to avoid blows also seems to have been almost completely forgotten.

VictoriousBoxers-Screenshot

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned duck?

2. Camera angles – have different choices for camera angles available during gameplay.  Some people like the see the whole ring, some people like to see things up close, some like the POV camera.  Give them a choice.

3. Referees – have more than 2 (or at least not have the same one for amateur and World Title fights) and have them more involved in the fight – be more vocal, be more physical – maybe have them visible when using certain camera angles (see above).  I want to see a referee separating a clinch or indicating that a fighter has just lost a point for an illegal blow.

4. Health bars – I don’t mind the system with the health, stamina, block and damage bars, but it often becomes the focal point of a fight to the detriment of the gameplay.  I would prefer the option to turn those things off so you can just focus on the fight at hand and not on trying to expend your opponent’s bars.  It would make the fight more unpredictable.

5. Knockdowns – lots of problems with FNR4.  I want to see more variety in animations when a fighter has been knocked down and is trying to get up.  I want to see fighters struggling and wobbly after getting up from a knockdown.  I want to see fighters knocked out cold and fights ending without a count.  I want to see the Zab Judah dance.  EA needs to watch a lot of actual KO footage and emulate that realism.

6. Ending a fight – more realism is needed here too.  As above, I would like to see referees stopping a fight without administering a count.  I would like to see referees stepping in when a fighter is being battered defensively or is seriously hurt but still on his feet.  I would like to see fighters quitting on their stools.  I would like to see corners throwing in the towel.  I would like to see doctors being called to the ring to check a cut and then declaring a fighter unable to continue.  None of this crap in FNR4 where the fight is stopped out of the blue because the damage meter is full.  I want to see the cut or the swelling or the bruising grow round by round.  Stuff the age rating – I wanna see realism!  Most of all I want to see fighters being carried out on stretchers!  Oh, and what about cuts from accidental head butts and technical draws and technical decisions?  There are so many possible endings for a fight but FNR4 only covers a few.  And while they’re at it, they should vary up the animations as well – it gets boring looking at the same reactions after every single fight.  Don’t need a lot, but is three or four too much to ask?

7. Clinching – I want to see opponents utilise more clinching.  Right now the opponent only clinches when they are on the verge of being knocked down.  Right now you can clinch by just pressing a button.  It’s a fine line between realism and boredom, but I think EA can find the right balance.  Perhaps have more ‘natural’ clinches as a result of fighters being in close proximity to each other.  Furthermore, allow boxers to throw punches and illegal blows in clinches like in real life – something I think they used to have in EA boxing games but for some reason no more.

8. Illegal blows – this is another area that has been underdeveloped in my opinion.  Boxing games have forever had illegal blows, but they are always arbitrary and bleeding obvious.  You always get away with it the first time and you only get disqualified if you keep doing it after having points deducted.  Mix it up a little.  And if they want to make things realistic, make the moves look more subtle.  Allow them in clinches.  Don’t have the obvious winding low blow aimed right at the balls.  Don’t have the clear thrusting head butt.  Disguise them a little.  Make them interesting.

9. The ropes – even as far back as the NES days, wrestling games have allowed the utilisation of the ropes surrounding the ring.  However, for some reason or other, they have been the forgotten element in boxing games.  The ropes can be used in so many ways in real life boxing, but in FNR4 they’re basically there to trap you.  EA needs to put in some effort and allow boxers to voluntarily use the ropes on both offense and defense.

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Use the ropes!

10. Damage and stamina – one of the major criticisms I reserved for FNR4 was the fact that you can easily land over 500 power punches against your opponent and yet they barely wince at the end of the fight.  I know EA would like the fights to last a little while, but they need to tip the balance towards realism.  Make punches count more (especially jabs) on the damage meter.  Make each punch take out more from the stamina meter so they can’t keep throwing 10 punch combinations without tiring out.  It will make the game more realistic and tactical.

11. Weight classes – FNR4 has improved in this regard but it still doesn’t reflect real life.  There are currently 8 weight classes in FNR4, from Flyweight to Heavyweight, half the number of real weight classes in real life.  It’s not a huge problem in Legacy Mode because weight management does not come into play, but if it does, then they need to have the full 16 weight classes.  In ‘Play Now’ mode, boxers cannot fight an opponent more than 2 weight classes above or below, which prohibits some interesting match ups.  The licensed boxers are squeezed into one of the 8 weight classes in the game, which makes things a little restrictive.  A better way to approach this would have been to provide a sliding scale for each boxer to pick their weight for a fight (rather than their weight class), which would automatically scale a boxer’s ratings and their looks.  So for example, if you turn Manny Pacquiao into a Super-Middleweight, he’s going to look a bit fat and his speed rating will reduce dramatically.  Of course, the range of weight classes a fighter can be in will depend on their height (and possibly body type), so you won’t see Muhammad Ali anywhere say below Super-Middleweight.

boxers-road-2-the-real

Games like PSP's Boxer's Road 2 have all 16 weight classes and multiple title belts

12. Create a boxer – on its face, FNR4′s ‘Create a Boxer’ looks pretty good, especially with the ability for users to upload photos to create boxers or download boxers created by others on EA Sportsworld.  However, there are many improvements that can be made.  For starters, the amount of choice is extremely limited.  The number of hairstyles available is atrocious.  There are no tattoos to choose from.  No ears to choose from.  There’s no ability to access the ‘Advanced Sliders’ unless you use a photograph, and even those sliders are rather limited, restricting your ability to create a truly realistic counterpart.  FNR5 needs to take a page out of some other games out there with the ‘Create’ function and make some drastic improvements.  Perhaps future DLCs for FNR4 can do something to address this.

13. Career/Legacy Mode – my biggest problem with FNR4 was with its Legacy Mode.  Strongly hyped before release, Legacy Mode was not only one dimensional, it lacked excitement, realism and player freedom.  It consisted essentially of training mini-games and fights, with a number of gimmicks such as emails and a new ranking system to prevent you from boring to death.  FNR5 needs to fully revamp Legacy Mode to make it a real boxer ‘career’ simulation.  After all, it’s what will keep gamers returning to play the game.

legacy mode training

Forget about the training mini-games

First, bring money back to the game.  Start off with the low paying fights then work your way up to the big PPV paydays.  Second, allow players to actually use the money – to buy equipment, to switch gyms, to hire trainers, managers, cutmen, promoters, sparring partners, etc.  Third, make the training not rely exclusively on mini-games, which should be at most an opportunity for boxers to earn ‘bonus’ rating points.  Have a more dynamic rating system that corresponds with the training.  Take a page out of boxing games such as Boxer’s Road and Victorious Boxers 2, where training affects different muscle groups, and are actually reflected in the boxer’s physical appearance.  If they do weights, expect bigger muscles.  If they do sit ups, expect more defined abs.  These are little things that add to the realism.  Fourth, consider adding weight management to the game.  Some people might not like managing what a boxer eats for every meal, so perhaps make this an optional inclusion that gamers can choose.  Fifth, have the trainer actually teach you things, constructive things that you can use in a fight.  Allow players to watch videos of their upcoming opponents and discuss their strengths and weaknesses with your trainer.  Sixth, allow for injuries during a fight (or even during training if you overtrain) which affect the boxer’s ratings and/or ability to train.  Seventh, consider putting in contract negotiations.  Discuss your share of the purse.

Well, these are just some suggestions.  Don’t get me wrong, I really like playing FNR4, but I think it could have been so much more, especially the Legacy Mode.  Hopefully EA can make another leap with FNR5, whenever they get around to developing it.

Book Review: “God, Actually” by Roy Williams

August 10, 2009 in Book Reviews

The obvious cover design is a good indication of the type of people 'God, Actually' is targeting

The obvious cover design is a good indication of the type of people 'God, Actually' is targeting

Here’s my long overdue review of the book ‘God, Actually’ by Australian writer Roy Williams, a former lawyer who struggled for years with his faith.  It was a gift from my devout Christian friend, who has recommended many such texts to me over the years in his attempts to convert me (after I told him I read ‘The God Delusion’ by Richard Dawkins!).  And I must say, out of all the things I have read, ‘God, Actually’ is the only book that has really done anything to clarify some of the fundamental issues I have about religion and Christianity in particular.

I should make it clear from the outset that you are unlikely to find any ground-breaking arguments in this book.  So if you don’t start off with an open mind, you’re likely to scoff at what Williams has to say.  However, what I did like about the Williams’ approach is how he applies (or at least tries to) reason and logic to religious issues and does not take an unreasonable, hard-line stance to the more controversial questions.  While I don’t agree with a lot of what he says, he does end up espousing a form of ‘liberal’ Christianity that I think a lot of people on the fringe can relate to, and perhaps even believe in.

Who is Roy Williams?

We’ve all seen those Christian books written by ‘former skeptics’ on the shelves; people who were once atheists that became advocates because of some life-changing experience or because they actively sought God.  Sure, it makes the book seem more compelling and the transformation more amazing, but when you actually read a couple of pages you realize that these people were probably (closet) Christians all along just using a clever marketing ploy.  They never answer the tough questions that true skeptics or unbelievers would ask.

And so I had my doubts about the author when I first started reading the book.  A former lawyer, Williams claims he was a skeptic about Christianity for most of his life, even though his great-grandfather was a Presbyterian minister.  It was not until his mid-thirties, through ‘prodigious reading’, parenthood and a bout with depression that he became a true Christian.  Is this guy a Christian in skeptics’ clothing or a genuine converted?

Well, a bit of both.  Reading ‘God, Actually’, I got the feeling that Williams was not a ‘pretend atheist’, but the seeds of Christianity were always inside him, ready to bloom.  He had a Christian upbringing and never strayed too far from the church, though his heart was not in it and was disheartened with it all.  However, he says that his journey back into Christianity occurred when he and his wife decided to send their daughter to Sunday school.  That raised alarm bells – why would someone who was truly skeptical about Christianity want to do that?

Nevertheless, I didn’t allow that to cloud my judgment when it came to the merit of Williams’ arguments.

Main issues covered

The book is divided into 3 parts.  Part 1 covers ‘Reasons to Believe in God’, in which Williams tackles evolution and the human mind, in particular the emotion of love.

Part 2 discusses ‘Reasons to Believe in Christianity’, which explains why Christianity ought to be preferred to other religions – and the reason, of course, is the ‘evidence’ of Jesus and his resurrection.

Finally, in Part 3, Williams provides answers to some common objections to Christianity, such as suffering, other religions and the concepts of Heaven and Hell.

What I liked

What I liked most about Williams is that he does not talk down to the reader – he merely offers his personal point of view on why he believes the arguments against God are unconvincing to him, and why the arguments for God are.

However, just like the way Christian apologists can find a way to break down any argument propounded by atheists, I have no doubt atheists can do the same to all of William’s arguments.  But Williams doesn’t deny this – he is putting forward his view and hopes to convince the reader.  As he says, if he can convince just one person, then his job has been a success.

From the start, Williams tells his reader that it is impossible to be 100% certain about the existence of God (think of the implications, he says!), and thus it is necessary to adopt a deductive approach.  Faith is ultimately required.  It’s a reminder that no matter how much you read about religion, at the end of the day, it’s a matter of faith – either you have it or you don’t.

Williams is what I would call a ‘liberal’ Christian, and in some ways that may be problematic because many fundamental Christians probably won’t agree with his views, particularly those on the difficult issues of abortion, euthanasia and cloning.  But because it emphasises substance rather than form, the Christianity that Williams advocates is one that a lot of non-believers may accept.  For instance, he recognises that culture plays a crucial role in shaping a person’s religious beliefs, and that God (if he exists) will take a fair and overall approach to evaluating a person’s life when they die.  So someone who was born, lived and died in a place without access to Christianity will not be judged unfavourably.

On the issue of evolution, he puts forward a view that is not new, but is at least plausible from a logic standpoint – that evolution does not disprove God; rather, it’s just the mechanism of God’s design.  On Jesus, he puts forward a compelling case based on the Gospels, deduction and comparisons with other deities, much like Lee Strobel did in The Case for Christ, but more objectively.  It doesn’t break any new ground, but it’s well-argued and a solid discussion nonetheless.

Another thing I liked was the constant references to literature and films in his examples and analogies – like Shakespeare, Jane Austen and The Matrix.  Needless to say, I could relate!

What I didn’t like

While Williams starts off well in tackling the main arguments raised by atheists, as he moves on, he too often lapses into preach-mode, citing verses from the Bible as evidence and proceeding on the basis that God exists as fact.  He may start off on a topic objectively (or at least try), but he can’t help but make the same mistake that a lot of Christian apologists do.  For example, Williams uses the emotion of ‘love’ as justification for God’s existence – because it’s such a wonderful thing.  But that argument depends on the presupposition that God exists, not the other way around.

Another common trap that Williams falls into (and to be fair, many atheists do too) is that he sometimes argues why people SHOULD believe in God rather than whether God exists as a matter of fact.  For example, he says that we should believe in God because of his love for us, or because he ‘created’ us.  But God either exists or he does not – whether we SHOULD believe in him is irrelevant.

Williams also makes some incorrect or dubious assumptions.  For instance, he suggests that humans are wired by God to believe in a deity – but judging from the number of atheists and agnostics out there, the applicability of that statement is limited.  He also says that people must seek God to be saved – but what if someone really tried, really put in an effort, and yet still didn’t find God convincing, or believed in the wrong God, or a different God, or no God at all?  That seems awfully unfair if God punishes you for not reaching the conclusion that he wants – especially if he was the one that ‘created’ you to be this way.

There are also some inconsistencies in Williams’ arguments.  On the question of suffering, he says that God doesn’t intervene when humans suffer because of free will.  That I understand.  However, on the other hand, when things are favourable (eg we haven’t been blown up by nuclear weapons despite numerous close calls), Williams attributes this to God’s grace.  God either intervenes or he does not.  To say God does not intervene because of free will, and then to say the fact that we have not blown ourselves up (something totally within the control of humans) is evidence of God’s grace is inherently contradictory.

But perhaps Williams’ biggest problem is that he too often explains something by saying that it simply ‘rings true’ to him.  The thing is, the same argument won’t necessarily ring true to everyone, and it may actually have the opposite effect.  What if something rings true to him but rings false to someone else?  Does that mean his instincts are right and the other person’s are wrong?  I understand it’s a personal view but it doesn’t make a good argument.

Oh, and I didn’t like Williams’ explicit use of his ‘lawyer’ training to support his arguments.  For example, he applies his lawyer skills to the inconsistent records of Jesus, in particular the Gospels.  He says he would be more skeptical if all the records matched up.  Well, aren’t inconsistencies the first thing that a lawyer would look for?  Sometimes that’s all it takes to generate reasonable doubt.

Conclusion

‘God, Actually’ provides viable alternatives to atheist theories.  Whether they convince you or not is beside the point – what it does well is put holes in some atheist arguments and suggest that these arguments are not irrefutable.  In a way, this book best helps people who are ALREADY believers in the Christian faith who have doubts because of atheist theories and arguments.  Williams’ arguments may put away those lingering doubts.  But what it falls well short of is convincing atheists from switching sides or agnostics from falling towards Christianity.

That being said, it’s about as objective of a book as you can expect to find from a Christian apologist.  It would be great if one of these books could be written by a genuine agnostic and not someone who has already fallen firmly into one side or another (Christian or Atheist) and analyses the arguments objectively without providing a subjective conclusion – instead, allowing people to decide for themselves.

[PS: for those with a bit of time, check out this thread on Dawkins' website where his loyal supporters trounce poor Roy Williams' book and then the man himself when he joins the discussion.  It's highly entertaining and somewhat cringeworthy at times - but what it demonstrates is that no matter how hard Christians try, some people will never be convinced.]

Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

August 8, 2009 in Movie Reviews

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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is the type of summer blockbuster that is fated to be panned by critics, regardless of whether it actually deserves to be reviled.  In my humble opinion, if you know what to expect with this type of film (and come on, you should if you go to see it), it’s not actually all that bad.

First of all, it should be noted that while I may or may not have played with the Hasbro action figures (which may or may not have been cheap rip-offs) when I was younger, I am not very familiar with the G.I. Joe ‘story’, if there is one.  Nevertheless, that isn’t very important to this movie.

I won’t reveal the plot because there’s really no point – take a guess and you’ll probably be close.  You don’t need me to tell you that the film revolves around the ‘Joes’ who are trying to stop their evil enemies from world domination.  Trust me, it’s predictable – even the so-called twists are.  It’s also likely to be the first of many G.I. Joe films to come, depending on the success of this first one.

Anyway, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is pretty much what you’d expect from a film of this kind.  It has a superb cast: Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jonathan Pryce, Arnold Vosloo (the Mummy!), Brendan Fraser (cameo) and Ray Park (Darth Maul!).  It also features some sub-par acting, at least by these actors’ standards.

Also as expected, the film is extremely loud and relentless, with non-stop action and all types of battle scenes, from the ground to the sky to the sea, from hand-to-hand combat to exhilarating sword fights, from bullets to hi-tech blasters to ninja stars, and of course the obligatory car chase scenes – you name it, you got it.  All of these sequences are filmed with the subtlety of a sledge-hammer, and while some of it was exciting, it still felt like something was missing.  Perhaps it was the predictability, the apparent invincibility of the characters, or maybe it was just a lack of heart.

The special effects go without saying.  It’s seamless and often eye-popping.  However, it is the stuff that doesn’t rely on special effects – the hand-t0-hand and particularly the sword fights – that really steal the show.  They are meticulously choreographed and there’s no over-use of quick-cut editing.  Oh, and there’s also the cool technological gadgets, weapons and machinery.  If you can suspend all disbelief then you may think they are pretty cool.

So far so good.  Unfortunately, as expected, the good parts also come hand in hand with the appalling dialogue, the cheesy one-liners and horrible jokes that only generate laughs because they’re so bad.  Cringeworthy bad.

There you have it.  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is what it is.  As long as you don’t expect something else then you may find it quite enjoyable, though even then, it has its limitations.

3 stars out of 5!

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